connecting……..

Trying to connect…….

Authenticating….. (parang dialogue lang pag nagkokonek un globe broadband..)

Thanks to a former lead who suddenly sent a message thru aim.. After some time since the last time we had a nice conversation na walang kasamang work-related na topic, walang kasamang code na dapat imodify, walang kasamang usapang proC, sql, forms, etc..

She only popped kase un status shout out ko daw parang may kulang.. typo error pala.. ayun after nun, kwentuhan na.. natawa sya sa sinabi ko na hindi ko na sya gaano nakikita kase puro ulo at buhok na lang nakikita ko pag nakatayo ako dito, tpos nakatayo sya sa bandang duon.. ndi nya agad na-gets… hahaha.. tawa kame ng tawa..

Tapos.. may isang topic na bigla napagkwentuhan.. un topic na, pag yun na ang pinag-usapan, nabubuhayan na ko ng dugo.. hahaha..

Connecting…..

Suddenly I realized, can’t fake my smile anymore sa harap ng monitor.. 

 

server down.

Server Down. otistik mode. Hindi ko alam kung sadyang may pagka-otistik lang talaga ako, o talang may sira lang talaga pag-iisip ko..

Have you ever felt so down.. super down.. that you started crying and worse is that you don’t even know what the exact reason is..?

Have you ever felt so sad.. super sad.. that you can’t even say something because you know that once you start to explain, you’ll only burst to tears even before you can say “kase….” ?

Maybe because…………..

Have you ever felt even for once, that you don’t deserve to have the good people that you already have because you think that they’re too good for you..? and that you least deserve their goodness..?

This day (and the past few days actually).. I have..

Felt super sad.. felt like my own “server” is down.. for reasons undefined (even to me).. but honestly, I am guessing that I know the reason why, I am just not that brave, enough to tell anyone what it is…

Maybe this quote is true: “I know I deserved my enemies.. but I don’t think I deserved my friends”

Otistik mode. Maybe this is what happens when you’re stressed. I don’t know.

And I still don’t know why I am thinking and feeling this way.. siguro pagod lang ako.. pwedeng nitotopak lang ulet ako..

My friends are too good for me.. (o wag lumaki ang ulo.. masasaktan pisikal) ..they’re too good for someone as mentally-challenged as me (parang may sira lang sa utak) –matigas ang ulo, ayaw pag ayaw, “neknek mo” attitude..

They’re too good for me that sometimes I am beginning to hate myself for giving them a hard time –like, they want me to do a simple thing that I wouldn’t do.. minsan feeling ko “challenge” sa kanila ang ipagawa sa akin un alam nilang hindi ko gagawin, or alam nilang magdadalawang-isip akong gawin.. it’s like volunteering someone na gawin ang isang bagay na hindi mo pa siya nakikitang gawin un..and he won’t do it..

a Blacksheep. a Prodigal one. and I hate myself for being one..

I have always been like that.. I won’t do things every one is doing.. pag gusto mo, ayaw ko.. laging salungat.. sometimes you’d get me to follow you but I will only follow, I won’t lead.. because I don’t want to and I choose not to.. lagi kong rason “wag mo kong pilitin ang gawin ang isang bagay na ayaw kong gawin” (napaka-BAD noh..)–and that’s what makes me a “challenge” to some..

My server is still down.. I don’t know when will it be up again..

*Maybe I need a tek to fix it..